Posted on February 13, 2012 by OneEightKevin

Sometimes you really have to marvel at some of the beautiful and breathtaking wonders that baby Jesus has blessed us with on Planet Earth.

From the layered canopies of the Amazon to the diverse marine life housed by the Great Barrier Reef, it’s a relief that these creations of Mother Nature have been preserved for future generations to witness.

However, no natural attraction can compete with God’s greatest and most awe-inspiring gift of all: Jennifer Lopez.

Jennifer Lopez is the fucking best. I really don’t know how else to put it. She’s so good that she even makes American Idol bearable. A feat that can only be achieved by the highest calibre of humans. J-Lo resembles what I imagine an angel descending from heaven would look like, except that she is Latino, dances provocatively, and instead of two angel wings she has two big gold hoop earrings.

A wise man once told me that “the bigger the hoop, the bigger the ho.” That sounds like it could be an old Chinese proverb, except I doubt that any of the fine ladies that inhabited the provinces of Zhejiang and Guangdong in ancient times wore hoop earrings when they were cooking rice for the Emperor. Furthermore, the Emperor probably didn’t give a fuck about female jewellery because he was too busy perfecting his unecessarily long moustache, and stroking it in a nonchalant yet mysteriously cunning manner:

“You better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up.”

Regardless, J-Lo pioneered this look and it’s probably one of her pinnacle achievements. She should definitely get a medal or some sort of congratulatory ribbon for her outstanding contributions to female fashion trends. Unfortunately, not everybody is a fan of Jenny and her fashion choices, as she has been the target of numerous protests and campaigns by PETA due to her promotion of fur products.

I probably wouldn’t get along with any of the people from PETA. I really doubt that our conversations would go anywhere substantial, since all of my interests consist of fast food and Jennifer Lopez. Somewhere along the line I would probably be accused of being an ignorant murderer fucktard, when in reality I’m just a simple man who enjoys a generous bucket of fried chicken with a bottle of Mountain Dew.

Such conversations would just be really awkward and uncomfortable. Also, I would spend the next three paragraphs explaining how awesome J-Lo looks in a fur coat, but I really don’t want anyone to firebomb my house or write me threatening letters on environmentally-friendly recycled paper. All jokes aside, vegetarians are cool and I can definitely get down with some doozy garden produce, such as the pumpkin and the forever-underrated beetroot.

Here J-Lo grabs Ja Rule for a remix of the track I’m Real. This follows the same forumla that gave Ja a handful of crossover hits with Ashanti, including Mesmerised, Always On Time and Wonderful. Although Ja Rule has a talent for making chart hits, he has also shared tracks with some New York OGs like Nas, DMX and Jadakiss, the latter of whom also spat on Jenny From The Block. Ja Rule is a hard dude, but it’s a shame that his real name is Jeffrey, because everytime I hear his name I can only think of this guy:

Jeff from the Wiggles rocking a purple sweater, enjoying a low-calorie smoothie and just not giving a fuck.

I’m Real was released around ten years ago, but listening to it is wildly refreshing amongst the sea of crummy dance-inspired R&B tracks from the likes of Jason Derulo and co. I’m sure all of you are aware that it has been scientifically proven that 97% of these songs fucking suck. One of J-Lo‘s recent singles, On The Floor, dabbled in this sound and was actually semi-okay before Pitbull jumped in for his verse. Yuck Pitbull.

Anyway, this old J-Lo song definitely sees the diva in her purest element – wearing a pink tracksuit and hanging out on a basketball court. Ja Rule comes in hard with his signature gravel voice that makes him sound like he needs to suck on three packets of Butter Menthols. I guess this gruffness presents a nice juxtaposition against Jenny‘s harmonious vocals. A real chemistry between these two unfolds, making this track seem so natural and effortless. It’s such chemistry that made songs like ’03 Bonnie and Clyde so captivating.

I’m Real is a corker which gives hip-hop widespread accessibility without seriously jeopardising it’s urban roots, and surely one of my favourite male/female urban collabos. This song recieves my complete and unconditional recommendation for all. Eleven thumbs up.

Share Button

Read previous post:
Review: Laneway Festival @ Sydney College of the Arts (05/02/2012)

Laneway, Sydney 2012. A day of sun, paisley and good vibes. Twin Shadows- The man, George Lewis Jnr ...Continue Reading