SYDNEY’S VERY OWN ‘JERSEY SHORE’: A SITUATIONAL ANALYSIS

Posted on March 20, 2012 by OneEightKevin

It was only a matter of time before this happened. How will Sydneysiders respond to a blonde-haired, blue-eyed bogan Snooki?

News has recently broken about Channel Ten’s new “dramality” show The Shire, which has been dubbed as our answer to the hugely popular Jersey Shore.

Set in the Sutherland Shire, David Mott from Channel Ten has described it as “a fascinating look into a unique sub-culture in Australia and the first time a local ‘dramality’ series is being introduced to the commercial television landscape.”

Let me state early on that I am a huge Jersey Shore fan. I even got Jersey Shore pajamas when I was in America. They’re 100% cotton, camoflauge-print and cost me nine bucks. I’m even considering putting them on right now, motherfucker.

Anyway, people tend to label Jersey Shore a guilty pleasure. I’ve never really understood this. Jerking off in public (Invisible Children styles) to screenshots of Two Girls One Cup on your iPhone is one example of what I would consider a guilty pleasure. Watching drunk guidos fistpump and obnoxiously hit on girls is just awesome. There’s no shame in that.

Okay, it is a little mind-numbing, but it’s a scientific fact that all good entertainment inevitably makes you stupider. My excessive exposure to Rick Ross’ music and steeply declining intelligence is proof of this. However, after the rapid success of Jersey Shore, spin-off Geordie Shore and other similar programs, has the core concept of this brand of television been overdone? Perhaps so.

But watching this in an Australian context could breathe new life into this get-drunk-and-fuck-randoms formula. We may have already spent hours-on-end watching drunk party retards, but this time around they’ll be from our own backyard. They’ll be our drunk party retards, like Shane Warne. Or Corey Worthington.

Not surprisingly, there have been mixed reactions to the revelation of this program. Jersey Shore is notorious for it’s indulgent trashiness and has drawn criticism for stereotyping Italian-Americans negatively. There are fears that The Shire will do no favours for the southern region of Sydney. If this program blows up, how will this effect the reputation of Shire youths?

A credible source has stated that the show’s trailer featured “beach babes and street dudes talking to the camera about wanting to be porn stars, fake boobs, pushing people down stairs and running away from police.” Yep. Sounds like an accurate portrayl to me. Also, who or what the hell are “street dudes” in the context of this show? Sounds like the same kind of guys who were pummeling ethnics and wrapping themselves in multiple flags a few years ago during the riots.

Nevertheless, I think that the success of this program will depend on how marketable the core characters are. Or perhaps more accurately, to what extent these fine upstanding citizens are willing to embarass themselves on national television. Are the ladies willing to get so legless that they flash their vaginas to an entire club, like Deena? Will the blokes furiously headbutt a wall and hospitalise themselves, like The Situation? We can only hope that these levels of moronic behaviour will be achieved and surpassed.

Being an Eastern Suburbs princess, I haven’t been down to the Sutherland Shire in awhile. However, a sneak peek into my crystal ball tells me that there’s a huge possibility that this show will feature Quiksilver-wearing bros punching on at Northies. This will then be contrasted with several deep and meaningfuls on Cronulla Beach as the protagonists contemplate their lives and overlook the sunset. In the end, all the characters will realise how much they love each other, hug out any differences they have, and then go and punch-on with more cunts at Northies.

I’m not going to rubbish this show straight off the bat. Actually, I kinda just did. But nevertheless, I’ll almost certainly tune into the season premiere just for the novelty factor. I bet all the fatcats down at Channel Ten are sitting in their swivelling leather armchairs and praying to grab viewers on the basis that The Shire will be “so bad it’s good.” But there’s a huge chance that this show will be so bad that it’s just fucking bad.

The Shire starts filming on March 26, so you can probably expect a whole lotta fuss down Cronulla way soon. Brace yourselves ladies and gentleman – a huge cultural and artistic revolution is going to sweep the nation.