Live Blog: The Shire Episode 2

Posted on July 23, 2012 by OneEightKevin

L&G, Rex and OneEightKevin return for Round 2 of live blogging on our new favourite show, The Shire.

So after last week’s premiere of The Shire, there was someone who commented our live blog with the username ’10 10 10 20s on yo titties.’ After I read this, I knew that there was no way in hell we weren’t going to come back for Episode 2.

It’s comforting to know that there are readers out there who share an equal love for Tyga’s Rack City and our live blog.  You see, we believe that The Shire is not only ‘so bad it’s good,’ it’s so bad that it’s the most amazing show to ever grace our lives. Unfortunately, not everybody responded to the show with our same degree of unbridled praise.

Channel 9′s Tom Steinfort called it ‘the most vacuous, ridiculous and shameless show Australian television has ever seen.’ Yeah, I guess The Shire is pretty shameless. But not nearly as shameless as every ‘news’ story to surface on A Current Affair, spewed relentlessly by old mate Tracy Grimshaw. I love how all these television stations get on some kind of moral high horse, when in reality they’re all as grubby, deceiving and malicious as each other. Choosing your favourite free-to-air television station is like choosing your favourite fungal infection. Whatever you pick, it’s a fucking grim situation.

Anyway, check back at each ad break of The Shire for our updates and insights after it kicks off at 8:00 pm tonight. Can Episode 2 of The Shire triumph like its stellar debut? Watch and find out. This is edge-of-your-seat stuff.

UPDATE ONE

Rex:

I’m so glad they opening with a montage of Beckka and her incestuous relationship with Daddy. Just in case you missed last week, here’s where the speculation peaked.

Note the strategically placed empty bottles. As if their Greek mother wouldn’t have been cleaning up DURING the massive party. And who wears a hotel bath robe in their own home? If they really are that rich, they should be rocking Hugh Hefner shit. Cut to Gabby, I don’t care about you if you’re not scratching him with your acrylic nails and drawing blood. Cut to some badly shaved guy and Mitch on the beach – Mitch’s ass is jealous of all the shit coming out of his mouth. He wants to “run-a-muck”. ‘nuff said. Dad and Beckaa are shopping at BMW Sylvania, but shouldn’t he be buying a better fitting dress, than that Review piece of shit she’s wearing. Bitch is throwing a tantrum because Dad won’t buy her a convertible. THANK GOD Sophie and Vernesa are back. I almost got bored. I actually laughed when they demonstrated how little she can move her face.

OneEightKevin:

After just one episode, The Shire is already being targeted as the program that’s shoving Australia’s reputation even further down the shitter. And after a heinous, miserable Monday, what better way to boost my self-esteem than laughing at the morons who populate this show’s cast. Masterchef has run overtime, which is especially annoying because that glamour Kylie got eliminated yesterday, and there’s no real reasons to watch anymore. Finally starting now, flashbacks to Beckaa and her overtly creepy Dad. Okay now for this week’s episode. Rif Raf sitting in his pool in a bath robe and a snapback. SWAG. He is reflecting on how awesome his party was and I’m truly jealous. The music on this show is like fucking awful 2005-era pop-punk or something. Sounds like something L&G would listen to because that creep used to have a coloured fringe. Beckaa is back with her pimp/father. They are going car shopping and ‘Beamer, Benz or Bentley’ by Lloyd Banks is playing in my head. Beckaa just compared herself to Luke Skywalker. She reminds me more of Chewbacca, because they’re both reeking. Okay Soph and Vernesa are back. Fuck yes. I will cop a lot of shit for saying this, but Soph is actually alright looking. Granted, she has had too much plastic surgery and looks like a duck, but she’s the visual definition of a hot, plastic duck. Would date her. I wonder if she melts in the heat. She might have to be stored in a cool environment under 25 degrees.

L&G: 

We are back! So excited for this. It is now episode 2 of The Shire, and all I want to see if Beckaa gets pumped by those two gay dudes. No, seriously.

Rif Raf lives on the water in some baller pad. His parents pad. He just freestyled. Terrible shit. Cuts to future wife Gabby, and she spoke to Mitch about getting back together. She couldn’t call him. Poor thing, he simply does not want her back. All he is thinking about is chicks and surfing. Can’t blame the dude. He has had a girlfriend since he was 17. Stay away, bro. Go out and party.

My mate just came on, and she is getting a BMW from her pimp Daddy. That fucking corpse is a dirty, dirty spoilt bitch. You know what, with a forehead like that, you need shit to cover it up… Like a new Beamer.

Those two bitches are frothing on their botox. So trash. So good. Those fake titties are amazing. Love their fake laughs. God, this show is killer.

UPDATE TWO

Rex:

Oh, Beach Burrito. We used to like you. FUCKING HELL. There are already too many characters. Now there’s Kerry, her ex Matt and Jye. And the boys are standing in a football field, talking about being whipped. Some meathead is giving love advice. Such a reliable source. I’d take advice off someone with tribal tattoos. Why are there so many Cronulla montages? There isn’t enough content? Beckaa and her Dad are in the BMW convertible, flirting AGAIN. Dad is getting all-serious, but we know he’s got a hand on her upper thigh, right? Beckaa is by far the worst actress of them all.

Sophie and Vernesa are at the gym. Punters hate her, and now they’re fighting with one. Sophie’s got her pout on. They’re my favourite two. Cut back to the idiots I mentioned earlier. Someone just called the chick a ho. I like her for calling the shots. CHICK POWER.

OneEightKevin:

Now they’re back at Beach Burrito in the ‘Nulla. Awesome, we went there with Sammy Adams and had some good Mexican food. Don’t know why the fuck some guy is getting waxed there. Pretty sure that’s a health hazard. If I found some guys pube in my taco I’d probably bomb the joint. Matt’s mates are wearing slinky singlets and snapbacks. Looks like every cunt I see gurning at Future Music Festival. Matt’s mates aren’t fans of his girlfriend, Kerry. I can see some bad domestic violence coming up. Beckaa is looking at herself in the mirror of a convertible. Beckaa gets a car for studying at uni? What the hell? She is thinking about leaving uni to focus on ‘other things.’ Like modelling. This chick could probably be on an informercial or the back pages of Zoo, but that’s about it. Okay, I’ve officially decided that Soph is hot. Sue me. They’re at the gym. If she is wearing Air Max’s I might die. They are trying to force their getting skinny routines on numerous fat idiots. The banter is now disastrous. Head in hands disastrous. Matt’s mate just called Kerry a ho. Amazing. He sounds like he is about to put a hit on her. Where’s da Cronulla mafia when you need em.

L&G

Kerry works at Beach Burrito, and this shit has never happened at any Beach Burrito ever. Who the fuck gets waxed at a burrito joint? Idiots. Matt, you have a horrendous laugh and car horn. My God, is that Jebadiah playing in the background? Yes! Cuts to Matt. You are whipped, bro. Go enjoy kicking that footy around the field.

Cuts back to Beckaa buying a car, and she thinks she is pretty. BAHA! You look like a horse, bra. Her Dad is now giving her a lecture on education, and how important it is, and she is lying about university. She wants to pursue modelling. Babe, you are fuck-off ugly. Please, for the love of God, don’t quit uni.

Those Jersey Shore bitches are at the gym now selling stuff. I can’t figure out what they are saying though. To be honest, I don’t really care. Sorry, ladies. Better luck next time. She compared herself to a dog… No comment there.

God damn it, those jocks are now playing basketball. You are ruining my favourite sport. Kerry rocks up on a skateboard. Typical. She reminds me of a dude. He just dogged his mates for a chick. The boys are off it.

UPDATE THREE

Rex:

Gabby is so fucking boring. Cut to the shit guys and Kerry. One of the guys is wearing Zanerobe. Another brand bites the dust.

YES. Beckaa is back on Fag Hag patrol. She’s asking opinions on BMW’s. They should not be making decisions about anything aesthetically pleasing. They’re total Monet’s, to quote Alicia Silverstone in Clueless.

Cut to Jye who is pissed off about Kerry. Now he’s shit stirring. And Kerry calls him a massive creep. I like Kerry’s jew-fro. She just used the word ‘jelly’. Now she’s getting angry, so angry she’s forgetting her lines and ad-libbing so she’s making less sense.

OneEightKevin:

Gabby and her brother are talking at a cafe. Gabby is a babe. Matty aka ‘Spock’ just turned up in a Subaru. Fuck. I’m starting to think that Matty’s mate might be gay because he’s awfully butthurt about Matt having a girlfriend. Speaking of gay, Beckaa’s gay mates are being asked which colour car they prefer. Why doesn’t she buy both? Her Dad can obviously afford it. If her Dad finds out that she’s dropped out of uni, apparently he might cut off her funding. Oh no. Then she will probably actually be a crackwhore as oppsoed to just looking like one. Oh my God. Matt’s mate and Kerry are going at it in the car. Insults are flying. Put his fucking head through the window Kerry! Matt is coming back with Slurpees and has cooled down the situation.

L&G:

It’s back, and Gabby is hanging with her bro. He has a cool name. His name; Tyrone. Legend. Gabby really misses Mitch. This is going to lead to heartbreak. It just cuts to Matty with Kerry. They are listening to punk, and Matty’s mate is burning that Kerry came along. So would I to be honest.

Now to those gay dudes. God, Beckaa is on ugly looking chick. She reminds me of what a half eaten mango looks like. Or a bucket of smelly crabs… Or 100 year old corpse. You get the idea.

Matty’s mate is still burning about Kerry. She is killing me actually. Don’t like her at all. Kerry’s mates are apparently good girls. Doubt it. Matt’s mate is writing her off hard. I actually like Matt’s mates. I need to learn his name. He is becoming my new favourite character. He just gave Kerry the business and she is burning.

This show is getting heaps better.

UPDATE FOUR

Rex:

Is anyone else LOVING the Trey Songz ads as much as me? We’re back with Sophie and Vernesa. This segment has been filmed during the day. Everyone looks too clean and awake. Thank God this is a 5 minute montage of Sophie’s rack. It’s making it bearable. “We’re really.. laid back girls.” I think you were looking for the word desperate.

Who meets their Mum on a date night? MITCH IS SUCH A LEGEND. I take back anything bad I’ve said or thought about him. Why did hair and make-up spend more time on Mitch than Mum? When did they order food, cause Mitch has managed to eat with Jedi Mind Tricks. I haven’t seen a fork in his hand all dinner. Now there’s a power ballad playing and he’s walking, touching his face and imagining a montage of him and Gab. The flashback’s are before the series was filmed… Think about that. Fade to black. Is that it? There is never enough of this show. Next week: Beckaa is at dinner with her Dad talking boob jobs. Sophie and Vernesa are clubbing and there’s lingerie waitresses. And when they cry, their makeup doesn’t run. I’m hoping they follow with a YouTube tutorial on water resistant make-up.

OneEightKevin:

Soph and Vernesa have hit da club. Apparently chapagne is good because the bubbles make you bubbly. Amazing insights from the duo here. Some guys are staring at Soph aka my future wife. I am furious. Mitch has gotten some purple flowers for his Mum. That’s pretty cute. They are now having a discussion about Mitch’s relationship with Gabby. Mitch’s Mum just said Gabby would make a good daughter-in-law. Jesus. She probably already has baby clothes picked out for her grandchild. Ease up there Mitch’s Mum. Now he is having flashbacks of them making out on the beach. I hope he gets sand in his underpants, that bastard. Mitch is now sending the dreaded ‘I have to talk to you’ message. Uh oh. Can’t believe this has ended already. Devo. But next week they are introducing some lingerie waitress – how are ya sweetheart. I’m with Rex though, too many fucking characters. My head hurts.

L&G:

It’s a rave, and the two Jersey Shore bitches are ordering drinks. The bartender is apparently nervous. Yeah, righto mate. They ordered a bottle of champagne to start the night. Now they are burning holes on the D-Floor. It should have kept going, but they cut over to Mitch getting flowers for his mum. That was weird. Kind of hoping they stayed at the club. I think Mitch is asking his mum for advice on Gabby. It will be interesting to see what he decides to do. His Mum is telling him to enjoy his freedom. Mitch is now doing some serious soul-searching by the beach in Cronulla. Did it just cut to flashbacks on a reality show?? IS THIS SHOW KIDDING ME?!?! Mitch is messaging her, with no previous messages?? Was that the first time he has ever messaged her?? Why is this show finished out of nowhere? I can’t deal with this shit. The preview for next weeks show is longer than the show itself.

See you next week!